last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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