the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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