Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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