I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
