i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
