If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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