dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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