I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I believe in your delicious
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
