hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
