I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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