I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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