I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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