I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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