So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
