Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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