Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
