Umm I'm too high to move.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
