My nipple is on Facebook.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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