Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
