i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
