I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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