there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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