Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
