ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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