Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
