who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My dick has a subreddit
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
