onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
