I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We left the knife in your bed.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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