Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I need to calm my uterus...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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