if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
