i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
