Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
