I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Even my vagina gasped.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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