there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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