I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I think my vagina is haunted
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
