Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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