I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
