dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
