woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
