Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
