My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
