My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
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I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
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All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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