I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
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So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
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She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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