I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
