Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
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As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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