whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
