and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
