So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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