If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
