I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
