Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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