Your mouth is God's brothel.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
