oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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