Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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