You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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