New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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