just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
