So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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