the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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